How to get out of the "I can't!" loop?

“I can’t! I just can’t do it!” “It’s too hard, it’s too challenging, what will they think of me, why do I have to, who cares, it’s too much, I’m not good enough, I don’t know where to start.” If this sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone.

We all come to points in our lives where life feels overwhelming and we’re not sure what to do. Inevitably we get stuck in the ‘can’t’. We often feel like we’re spinning our wheels going nowhere and uncertain how to move forward.

Over the years I have come to understand that ‘can’t’ is part of the problem. We believe that we don’t have it in us to change or to change the situation and sadly this leaves us feeling uninspired, disempowered, and rolling around in some pretty sticky muck.

It’s unfortunate that in all those years of doubting ourselves and our abilities to make good informed decisions, we find ourselves powered out and trapped in this place of victimhood.

Granted, we don’t want to be held captive by our limited belief system and we don’t like the idea that we are victims of our own making, and yet, ‘can’t’ keeps us immobilized and stuck.

‘Can’t’ can also feel powerful. “I can’t do it!” feels strong and in control. This is the deceptive and hard truth about ‘can’t’ — it doesn’t activate us into action.

‘Can’t’ at its heart is the young one in us having a temper tantrum. We feel trapped, forced to do something we don’t want to, coerced, and maybe haven’t learned the power of vocalizing our choice. The truth is we always have choice and the free will to do what is best for ourselves.

By now you may be wondering what is the solution to this problem. Well, it comes down to accountability and choice.

The more powerful and action based word is ‘won’t’. When we change ‘can’t’ to ‘won’t’ we actually give ourselves the motivation for change and choice.

Here’s a personal example to help explain how this works. “I’m just a stay-at-home mom. I can’t do anything else. This is it. This is all there is for me.” The truth was; I was afraid to try, to be curious, to fail. I was afraid that maybe I was what I believed: just a stay-at-home mom and that seemed so lame and boring.

And then I was challenged to change ‘can’t’ to ‘won’t’ and here’s how that went. “Right now I am a stay-at-home mom and I won’t let the fear of change hold me hostage. When I’m ready, I will discover more of who I am.” And I did!

In the second statement, I became clear about my decision and voiced my choice. When we use ‘can’t’ it is often accompanied by a convincing statement or a reason why, often based on a limiting belief; whereas a ‘won’t’ statement lays it out directly and assertively and is often true to how we are feeling.

We frequently choose to use ‘can’t’ because we don’t want to be accountable for our choices and yet, ‘can’t’ is still a choice: a choice to deny the truth, stay a victim, and disconnect from ourselves. ‘Won’t’ on the other hand lets people know where you stand and that you are accountable for your actions and words.

Here’s my challenge to you: the next time you go to say ‘can’t’, stop and ask yourself what’s really going on and then see what happens if you change it to ‘won’t’ and see how that feels and notice how people respond to you.

At the end of the day, you have a choice and you are allowed to let people know how you feel, what’s okay, and not okay for you. It all starts with choosing YOU first. You matter, you have value and you are worth knowing.