Time to Come Home, I Mean, Really Come Home

Coming home is sometimes painful; especially when it’s been neglected. The roof needs tending, the paint is chipping, the electricity needs to be reconnected, and the furnace turned back on.

In January I was “home” – so content, so full of life, so open and available for living in the now. And then – SQUIRREL – “what’s this new shiny thing? Oooh I need THAT – that’s maybe the thing that will complete me!”

My inner child was not satisfied, couldn’t trust this new inner peace and harmony. She had nothing to do – no job, no protecting, no purpose – so she did what she has always done – search out something to fill that “hole” to bring meaning and purpose. External validation is so important to her. It often comes in the form of a new program, a book of learning, a project, or activity.

Resting in peace and contentment is uncomfortable for my inner child. She doesn’t like it because then she feels useless and obsolete.

For the past 3 months I’ve been actively in over-achieving mode. I have learned so much and had incredible personal breakthroughs and growth. I am so grateful for it all, and yet, it has also challenged and pushed up against my integrity.

The longer I stayed in this, the more fractured I became. Every breakthrough was an opportunity to rest, come home, and be – full stop. And yet, commitment, loyalty, and pleasing “them” was more important. “Validate me PLEASE! Can’t you see how hard I’m working? When will it be enough?”

In the end, I burned out. I could no longer live in the tension between who I am and what I thought I needed to be.

So now, it’s time to stop, slow down, and be mindful. All the signs were pointing me here. No more excuses, no more trying to convince myself and others “this is a good thing”, and be honest.

I lost connection to myself, to listen, to validate, and attend to myself. The beauty is – my intuition knows what is best for me. She is trustworthy. She is wise. She is ME. I have all I need here, in me. It’s not out there. It’s right here – home.

No more running, no more searching, no more “squirrel” – it’s time to mend my relationship with myself and come home. It’s time to apologize, to forgive, and forge a deeper stronger relationship with myself.

If this is the meaning of life – I want to be here, right now, standing firmly planted in life. It’s the ugly beautiful, the perfectly imperfect – HOME.