What's the big deal about BOUNDARIES anyway?

A while back I was chatting with someone about boundaries and they presented a very helpful analogy using pylons.

When we see those bright orange cones on the road, we can assume that there is construction up ahead. Those pylons are there to let us know that we must slow down, pay attention, and use caution. Inside the coned off area something is being done; like road work, or a new building is going up, or there has been an accident.

We know that when we see those cones, we are being asked to pay attention, not only for the safety and wellbeing of those inside the cones, but also those outside the area. It is a no-go zone, except for those who have permission and are part of the project.

And so, how does this relate to boundaries?

Boundaries are what we establish and communicate to let ourselves and others know what is okay, what is not okay, and why.

If we are under ‘construction’ or healing we place ourselves inside the coned off area. I like to envision myself with four pylons around me, like an invisible fence or force field. I put up these boundaries because I need to feel safe and secure as I do internal work.

Unfortunately, some people see those pylons as a nuisance, unnecessary, irrelevant, and as a threat. And sometimes, when we don’t understand someone’s boundaries, we may feel hurt and rejected. We may even retaliate by trying to knock those pylons down so that we can control the one who is inside — the one who is vulnerable and needs specific care.

So just like the pylons that are used in construction zones, our boundaries are established to protect and attend to what’s inside. If those cones are not there, people may get hurt or property destroyed or worse, someone may lose their life.

And so, when you come to a place where you are feeling the need to set up boundaries for your own health and safety, try using this analogy to those you care about so that they can understand what’s okay, what’s not okay, and why.

I encourage you to reassure those around you that these cones are not there forever. There will be a time when they will be removed because the restoration and healing has come to a completion and an invitation to re-engage will be extended.

And please note that when someone you love and care for communicates the perimeters of their boundaries, please know it’s not about you and it’s not meant to hurt or punish you. It’s about THEM claiming the necessary space and time to do some deep hard work. It’s about respecting yourself and others.